The Mouthful

I Am Truly Honored To Be Amongst You Sick, Sick Men

2006-08-15T16:40:00.000-04:00

Just about 15 minutes ago I recieved my Deadspin commenter privileges. +1 for me. Though about 14 minutes ago I did a little victory dance like the guy in the Raisin Bran Crunch commercials. -1 for me. Other than getting to work 10 hours straight outfitting loser kids with baseball equipment (I'm 18, college hasn't started yet, and at least I don't work for a chain like Sports Authority or Dick's), today's been a blast. Honestly, the next time you go buy sports equipment for your kids, be nice to the salesperson. I've sold hundreds more dollars of products than necessary today because some people don't know when to shut the hell up. Enjoy your useless shit! Alright, that's about it for this post. I'll be on Deadspin if anyone needs me.

Bill Simmons Probably Hates You

2006-08-06T12:25:00.000-04:00

Last night I received the latest issue of ESPN The Mag (Yes, I subscribe...don't judge me), and started reading only after succumbing to pure boredom. What I found inside was not the usual "Go Yankees! Go Red Sox! Boo everyone else!" material normally associated with the WWL. Instead, I read a very interesting column from Bill Simmons. It wasn't interesting because he kept it relatively short or because some of it made me laugh out loud, those were just bonuses. The best part of the article was when he mentioned that there were announcers he wished he could have deported to Eastern Europe, but his bosses wouldn't allow him to say who they were. He continued by jumbling their initials together backward and came up with this: WBMABCMJMTBJ. To me, that could possible mean Bill Walton, Al Michaels, Chris Berman, John Madden (or Joe Morgan), Tim McCarver, and Joe Buck. There may be an announcer or two whom I overlooked in my Bill Simmons Hates You selection process, but I feel I probably got it correct. Feel free to add any missing possibilities. This definitely almost (not really) makes up for having to work on a Sunday. Here's hoping there's some sort of backlash/fallout because of this article. Almost nothing would make me happier than an ESPN civil war. Who doesn't like a little in-fighting?

Some Jokes Just Write Themselves

2006-08-05T12:40:00.000-04:00

Last night I was out for dinner with a group of people which included my mother, a business associate, the associate's wife, granddaughter, and the granddaughter's friend. Up until arriving at the associate's house, I had never met the granddaughter or her friend, but was told that they were both attractive. Lies! Not to rip into the poor girls, but the granddaughter was a 6 at best and her friend had to be tipping the scales. I didn't forget to put "at such and such a weight", the bitch is tipping the goddamn scales all by herself. Well, while waiting for the rest of the group to catch up to us at the restaurant, my mom and I got to talk a little. My mom, being the kind soul she is, stated that she thought the granddaughter was cute. When I failed to even acknowledge that statement, she changed the subject to the other whale. I mean girl. She made a comment how the granddaughter's friend probably had all the boys chasing after her, at which point I opened my mouth and inserted my foot. I quickly snapped back, "If anything was chasing her, it would have caught her by now." That, apparently, was the wrong answer. Sometimes I like having a quick wit. This is not one of those times. The same sense of humor that allows me to embarass people who try to show me up also causes me to say many inappropriate things at wildly inappropriate times. For example: I was once standing at an airport with a buddy of mine when a woman with no legs in a wheel chair rolled up to the ticket counter. My brain must want me to go to Hell, because I actually turned to my friend and used the line, "Bro, you think she's flying stand-by?" God now hates me. Luckily, no one was around to hear my comment that night, or the one I made last night and I miraculously escaped without being smited. See, some jokes write themselves, you just have to keep your eyes open. I feel like I owed everyone a post like this due to my last rant, so enjoy.

Finally Home, Wishing Others Would Go Back To Theirs

2006-08-05T12:06:00.000-04:00

So I'm finally home in the wonderful Sunshine State and it feels good to be back. I had forgotten how uncivilized some parts of our nation still are. Kinda makes me miss the constant changing weather, the imminent threat of hurricanes, and the people. Wait...not that last one. Allow me to clarify: if you were born here, moved here at a young age, or are from anyplace besides New York or South America, you're O.K. in my book. Don't judge me as rascist before I can make my case for the latter, though I have my reasons for both. First of all, South Florida (Boynton Beach, Delray Beach, Boca Raton, and almost everywhere south) is filled with New Yorkers who either used to be snow birds or tourists and are now residents, or even worse, still visiting. Therefore, they feel the need to express how much better New York is in every way than South Florida. Well, if you like it so much GO FUCKING BACK! As I told many New Yorkers during the 2003 baseball playoffs: "95 North. Just follow it all the way up. If you hit Boston, you've gone too far." That being said, I have many friends from New York, and it's mainly the older people who bother me. I wish they called it tourist season because it was legal to shoot them. Now onto my second point, which is basically the same as my first point, with other nationalities as the brunt of my anger. Since I've lived here for the majority of my time on this planet, I've met at least one person from every South American country (I'm not bragging, it goes with the territory). Most of them I've liked except for one small detail: They seem to hate America. Almost every one of them has said how much better it is to live in Brazil/Peru/Chile, etc. than here. Maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe it is better there and they can't afford to/aren't allowed to go back. In any case, sorry if this wasn't funny, or up to my standards. Itwas meant to be highly therapeutic for me because I have dealt with far too many New Yorkers for one day, and it's not nearly over.

Racial Sensititivy, Or the Lack There Of

2006-07-17T13:32:00.000-04:00

Last night I was watching the Mets vs. Cubs game on ESPN basically just as background noise while changing the strings on my guitar. Orlando Hernandez was pitching and Juan Castro was behind the plate (meaning number one, that Paul LoDuca had the day off, and two, that the Mets were still O.K., these are the Cubs we're talking about here. But what do I care? I'm a Marlins fan.) All was going normally (and boringly) enough, until Hernandez started struggling on the mound for the Mets. At this point, he had given up something like 5 runs in the first 1.1 innings and was looking very tired and his control was starting to slip. That's when the sky went grey and animals started to run for cover. Jon Miller made one of the funniest, and probably most off color, comments he could have made in that situation. He pointed out that Orlando had been a brave, young man when he defected from Cuba for a life in the United States, and had been through a lot in his time because of the Cuban government. Then he stated that maybe it wasn't the best idea to have a guy with the last name "Castro" catching for him. I literally laughed out loud when he said it. Jon Miller tried to drag Joe Morgan into the discussion by saying things like, "Don't you agree, Joe?" and "Come on, you've gotta agree with me. Just an hour before the game you were making fun of that Spic bastard." O.K., so maybe I made that last quote up. The point is, though, that Joe Morgan wasn't touching that topic with a ten foot poll (Speaking of things ten feet long...how's it goin' ladies?). Normally I'm not a Joe Morgan fan, though I pretend to be when I'm around my mom's family, all fans of the Big Red Machine (Not the one your girlfriend keeps in her night stand. Hey-O). In this case, however, I think Joe Morgan did the right thing by not playing Devil's Advocate. That's a stickier situation than the day I spent on the set of that porn film. I'm on a roll for a Monday morning.

Also, my Snapple Fun Fact of the day is "A male kangaroo is called a 'Boomer'." Chris Berman, you sneaky bastard.

Tour Update

2006-07-16T16:15:00.000-04:00

It has now been brought to my attention that we're playing a second show on Tuesday, July 25th. It's at a different venue than the first show, so contact me for details. Again, if you're going to be in the Nashville area on July 24th or 25th, I could always use a good tour guide (Ladies, this means you). That's pretty much it for now, just biding my time until I can leave work. Yes, I know, work on a Sunday. What are you gonna do? More coming soon...

These Go To Eleven

2006-07-15T13:01:00.000-04:00

Starting this week, my schedule looks quite full. Thursday, I fly to Charlotte to see my buddy Chris (Fuck coming up with fake names like "Best of the Worst"). That should be an adventure in and of itself, but no, that's not all. On Sunday, we're driving to Nashville for the start of our Stewed, Screwed, and Tattooed World Tour*, which I'm pretty excited about. If you're going to be in or around the Nashville, Tennessee area on July 24th, contact me for details. There are also several sub-plots to this little story. Chris has met lots of attractive, open-minded women since he moved north (when you're in Florida, almost everything is north) a year ago, a veritable appendix of ass, if you will. Between the two of us, I think we'll do just fine. I'm not going to go into details about why I think I'll pull more panooch for two reasons. First, that would just jinx the entire trip and I don't need that. Second, I can't figure out a way to convey my looks, charm, and sex appeal in any way that doesn't border on autofellatio. Suffice it to say I have an athlete's body (6'3", 205, and I should have an athlete's body...I am an athlete after all), male-model good looks (or so I've been told by women other than relatives), and tattoos. (That's the written equivalent of playing "just the tip...just for a minute" with yourself. I'm stopping now) If anything does happen, and God willing something will, I'll be sure to spare no detail, no matter how intimate or disgusting. Maybe I'm kidding, maybe I'm not. Back to the point of this shindig. I'll try to post regularly while I'm gone, hopefully I'll have plenty to write about that doesn't make you want to beat small children with smaller animals. I also need any opinions on the best nicknames for Nashville. NashVegas and Nashvile are the best I've heard so far. That's all for now, more to come soon.

*Tour neither carries that name, nor is it international. Also, it's not a tour, really. More of a one-night-only performance. It's still going to kick ass though, so get there if you can.

(Ed. Note: I absolutely love that the initials for the airport in Charlotte, NC are CLT. Call me juvenile, but that's funny.)

Subtleties of the English Language

2006-07-12T23:06:00.000-04:00

Earlier today I was trying to write something for this here blog, and the words didn't seem to come out quite right. At one point I wrote, "I'm not technically retarded, it's all BellSouth's fault." Actually, that would mean I'm not technologically retarded. Some people might tell you that I am technically retarded. Fuck those people. That's just one of the subtleties of the English language. Zach Galifianakis used to do a bit about subtlety too. The same exact sentence said two ways can mean two entirely different things. "She had a crack baby." compared to "She had a crack, baby!" is an excellent example. That's probably the reason my mom always used to say, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." On the contrary, I'm not sure that's completely true. I can say, "Go fuck yourself!" with a smile on my face, but I still just told you to go fuck yourself. See, children, even when you're not in school, you can still learn something new every day. I guess I've learned a more important lesson today, though. As long as it's reasonably funny and mildly provocative, you can write 215 words about almost nothing and still entertain the masses (all two of you, I'm sure). So goodnight America, and go fuck yourself :-)

The Double Pun

2006-07-09T15:37:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I figure it's about time I got around to explaining why I gave my blog the name I did. One day I was sitting around with my buddy Chris, a.k.a. BestOfTheWorst, and we were discussing the usual: music, possible trips to Vegas, who we'd nail to no end...you know, guy stuff. Well, in the course of discussion we got to talking about how everyone knows what double entendre is, but how many people are aware of the double pun? The double pun is one of those wild, elusive creatures that has been talked about before, but seldom seen or heard from (ex.: bigfoot, the female orgasm). Go ahead, try to think of one. Not that easy, huh? So we're both putting some thought into it, when all of a sudden, BOTW bursts out "I've got one", which I've come to learn usually means trouble. "O.K., it's the worlds first combination all-you-can-eat buffet and gay brothel. I call it...The Mouthful!" I don't think I need to explain that one any further. In fact, if I do, I might just throw up in my mouth. We tried several times after that to come up with others, but have so far been unable to do so. I came up with one about a week ago, but due to the fact that I experimented with "fun" in high school (though I was never caught with "fun" or "fun" paraphernalia, thank God), I can't remember my idea for a double pun. I prefer to liken my memory to an old film reel that's been buried underground for many years. Sure, the plot still makes sense and I can follow the story, but there are definitely blank spots and deleted scenes along the way. Wait...where am I?

My First Post

2006-07-09T14:47:00.000-04:00

As the title states, this is my first blog. Since you haven't read any of my work yet, you're probably wondering who I am and why the hell you should care. I wonder the same thing sometimes, so you're not alone. All I'm trying to accomplish is to provide stories and observations of daily life around me (I wish there was a sarcasm font so I could call myself an original in that regard), oh, and sports and music are fair game too. The only difference between mine and thousands of other blogs is that mine isn't going to suck. If you get easily offended, my blog isn't for you, and stop being so damn sensitive. This is a place for free speech and I intend to keep it that way. For my thoughts on censorship, may I refer you to my poem entitled "Censorship: Fuck That". Oh, and Deadspin fans and Berman haters are always welcome. You're With Me, BlogSpot.